Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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