I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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