You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
