remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
