drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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