Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
