dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
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you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?