One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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