My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know