Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
