I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove