Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
