I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
