I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
There's a naked man in my car right now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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