you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
