I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
