Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
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The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
did i just pee glitter
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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