meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
