Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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