Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
