The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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