Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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