I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
