her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
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He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
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The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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