just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.