Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?