So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.