That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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