Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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