i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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