he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
