You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
