addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
