my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
