Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
