don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
