the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I AM VODKA MAN
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
