i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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