My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
