lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
