just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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