i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
