Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
