Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize