the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
