you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
