I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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