HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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