He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
