I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
