Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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