i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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