Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
