How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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