I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Come share oat with me in your robe
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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