I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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