explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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