You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
