Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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