I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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