I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You're a waste of cheezeits
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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